Slow Boat to China

I have no idea if anyone is still reading this blog! Now that we have returned from Kazakstan with Charlie, we have decided to withdraw our dossier from the China program. The wait times are simply just too long. If we remained in the program, our wait would be 4-5 years or even longer.

More importantly, if we adopt again, we would like to return to Kazakhstan. We think that Charlie would benefit from having a sibling of his own heritage. Hopefully, this will happen for us in the next few years.

Happy 1st LIDversary

Well, we've officially hit the one-year mark for our China wait. If things go well, we will wait about four more years. If things go wrong, our agency will go out of business (a real possibility for Children's Hope). If things go worser (my new favorite bad word), the economy will completely collapse and we will not be able to afford adoption. Suddenly, the idea of waiting four more years is not such a terrible thing!

We should hear from our agency soon on whether or not they receive Hague accreditation. This is their third try. They have asked us to pray for them (on several occasions). They have closed all of their branches (including their Cleveland office), and they have reassigned new coordinators to us three times. As I said on the other blog, they have asked all of their waiting parents to refrain from any "complaining" while visiting the website and/or the Children's Hope Yahoo group. The worser news is that once you are LID, you cannot switch agencies without starting all over. So, we're kind of stuck with CHI. Let us pray.

Sometimes it seems that there is nothing positive to say about adoption. But then I remind myself of the OUTCOME (as rare and fleeting as it may be). The OUTCOME is that a child needing a family is matched with people who need a child. The outcome is that a child with no mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, or cousin, suddenly has all of the above. The outcome is that a child who might never read a bedtime story or hear a lullaby can now look forward to a chidhood filled with reading and singing. The outcome is that a baby with a lifetime of hunger will find herself in a new lifetime of fulfillment.

This outcome does happen -- every day. Forever families are being created right this moment. I know that these families probably waited a very long time, just like me and Stan. Waiting is just part of the game. So, we will wait. One year down, and many moons to go!

Waiting for a Miracle

Annie (see below) has updated her blog a few times since she came home from Ethiopia with her daughter. After reading her posts, it is obvious that she has undergone a life-changing event. I am so touched by her words. And I have a hunch that words cannot really describe the mixture of emotions she feels right now.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to adopt internationally. Above everything, I have to say that STAN AND I ARE THE LUCKY ONES. So many adoptive parents hear the comments, "She is such a lucky little girl!" or "It is so great that you are doing this." But, honestly, despite the ups and downs that Stan and I have faced, when all is said and done, we are the ones who are blessed. I know already that the adoption experience will be one of the greatest experiences of our lives.

I can't speak as a parent. I don't yet think that I can truly imagine the love and the full weight of parenthood, but I do feel like I can speak as an expectant mother. Growing up, I looked forward to someday being a mom. I thought this would entail pregnancy, a birth, nursing, and being a first-time mom to a newborn who would grow up and look like me and her father.

At first, it was very hard for me to accept that my adoption gestation would be a little different. And, please spare me the "Oh, you're so lucky to NOT have to be pregnant/give birth/nurse/raise a newborn" stuff. That kind of talk just pisses me off. As I have clearly documented (and could further document until the end of time without ever running out of things to say), adoption has its own breed of anguish, it's own closet of fears, and a very healthy dose of stress & worry. Otherwise, we would ALL adopt a kid or two, right? There is good and bad to both birth and adoption, and I think it is impossible to say which is "easier."

What I'm trying to say is that, despite the things I'm "missing out on," I am so extremely overjoyed to be embarking on this adventure! Lately, I have been thinking of all the things that Stan and I would be missing if we were entering parenthood via the usual fashion. These are things that we never even imagined when we first tossed around the idea of adoption.

The buzz word of all buzz words (at least during the last several years) is GLOBAL. One of the things I love most about Stan is that he has always been informed, and passionately so, of world politics and events. I never thought very much about the struggles of people in other countries, but he was always telling me stories about the Taliban and the Dalai Lama and genocide and refugees and all kinds of things LONG before we ever heard a whole lot about them on the news. When 9/11 happened, I already knew of the Taliban. Stan used to look up at me from a magazine and shake his fist in the air and say, "The Taliban, Michelle! They must be stopped!" And I thought that he was (possibly) overreacting. Many of us, myself included, had no idea what was going on outside of our own back yards.

Now how things have changed! When you start to comprehend that your future child lives in another part of the world, you definitely begin to think (and to love) without borders. Stan and I will not only travel to a foreign country, but we will actually bring home a human being from a far away land to live in our family forever! Our grandchildren (unless they, too, are adopted) will share our child's ethnic ancestry. This new ribbon will be forever woven into the fabric of our name. I would say that this is one of the most significant global experiences a person could have! Even when I thought about adoption in the past, I NEVER thought about this. And this would NOT be happening if everything had gone as planned. It is one of the miracles that comes along with international adoption.

Another thing that I am scared and excited about is this thought: My child's birth parents made a gut-wrenching decision to entrust the life of their baby to a stranger in the hope that this stranger could provide a better future than they could provide. And I am that stranger. I will think of this every single day of my life. Parenting is not easy, but this thought will be my inspiration and my fuel to do the very best that I can. All parents hold oaths of obligation and commitment in their hearts, but the promise that adoptive parents make is especially sacred. Somewhere, in the world, is a woman who will forever hope that she made the right choice, and I must work hard to ensure that her hopes come true.

Another adoption phenomenon takes place when parents meet their child for the first time. It is every bit as exciting and emotional as a live birth. Have you ever watched the show Adoption Stories on the Discovery Health Channel? We've seen nearly every episode, but we still tear-up every time the parent(s) and a little one finally come together for the first time. The same affirmation occurs over and over -- the affirmation that this is meant to be. The fact that men and women (most of them beaten down by infertility issues or singles who have decided that parenthood is a MUST in the series of events that create what we call life) decide upon adoption, travel half way around the world, meet people who do not speak their language, and receive into their arms a child who needs them just as much as they need her, is truly a miracle of undefined magnitude.

Maybe it's a good thing that we have spent so much time waiting. It takes a while to come to these realizations. At first, there was a part of me that wondered if adoption was really the right choice. Now, every day, it becomes abundantly clear to me that this is one of the best decisions we've ever made.

The Journey of a Year

One of the blogs I like to read is 3 Peanuts. I started following this blog about a year ago, when we first thought about adoption. Little Kate is so adorable, and her mom is a very creative and classy blogger.

April 4 marked the one year anniversary of Kate's homecoming from China, and her mom put together a terrific commemoration video. Please go watch it here. Be sure to turn on the volume.

Dear CCAA, Why Are You So Slow?

First -- EMAIL ME PLEASE -- I want to invite you to my other blog if I haven't already done so. See the post below this one.

Now, for today's news ... there is quite a ruckus going on over at Rumor Queen. Her post today states that the JCICS (Joint Council on International Children's Services) is preparing a letter of concern to be issued to the CCAA, mainly asking why the wait for China adoption has become so slow-moving.

RQ's post doesn't really sound so interesting, but if you read the comments, you can get a pretty good idea of how intense the China program's adoption community is. Some waiting parents have received a letter from their agency (not ours) saying that China anticipates completing the February 2006 LIDs during the year 2008. They are currently working on December 2005 LIDs. This is downright pathetic and makes everyone feel sick to their stomach. I can't even imagine how it must feel to have an LID in March 2006 and realize that if I had submitted my dossier just four months earlier, I would have my child a whole YEAR sooner.

This is probably totally confusing to everyone except people like me who are waiting. I have tried to explain LIDs in prior posts. I really don't want to get too windy here, but an LID is the date that China "(L)ogged (I)n your (D)ossier" to their system. Our LID is 9-28-07. Your LID tells you where you are in line with all the other waiting parents.

With this kind of snail's pace, The China program is in jeopardy. If agencies cannot continue to receive applicants, they will be unable to collect the revenue needed to keep their offices running. Additionally, the incredible slow-down leads some parents to speculate whether China might be in the initial stages of shutting down its own program.

I wonder if China may decide it actually needs its little girls. Some calculations project that, in a few short years, China will have a female deficit of 50 million "missing" girls. This means that, if nature were allowed to take its course, 50 million more girls would be alive and well in China than what is projected. (The Nazis murdered 6 million Jews. This is 50 million baby girls being aborted, abandoned, or hidden.) This gendercide will have dire consequences for China's society, the most obvious effect being a shortage of wives for the men. Instead of giving these little baby girls to loving families in America, why not save them (and save face) for a rainy day? I am totally speculating this all on my own, but I do believe it's a legitimate concern.

In any case, we're staying right where we are. There is no harm done in waiting this out a little longer. It is certainly a possibility that China will speed up its program. We're in it for the long haul!

(The picture above is obviously Glinda the Good Witch of the North, but some of us OU friends call her the Dancing Queen. I imagine her when I think of what the Rumor Queen must look like.)

Merry Christmas Everyone

Joyous Motherhood by Cecil Youngfox

Last week at church, our minister defined The Christmas Spirit as this:

Anticipation and Expectation

of a miracle

right

now

He crystallized what I had been trying to put into words inside my head all this Christmas season. I have had some dark days in the past few months -- days where I feared that adoption would be as elusive to me as pregnancy. And I am learning (more and more every day) that this journey to the land of International Adoption is a lot tougher than I ever imagined.

I think of Mary and Joseph, and how they must have wondered to themselves, "Can this really be true? Can I really believe that this will happen?" And also, "Will I love this baby like my own? What will he look like (if not like us)?" After all, Jesus was raised by a man and woman who were not exactly his biological parents. So many people waited for him, and in less-than-perfect conditions, he was born to us all.

This Christmas, you all know what I want. I wear it on my sleeve, especially here on this blog. I know there will be no baby this Christmas, but I also know this: I am an EXPECTANT mother and I am ANTICIPATING my miracle.

And if you are waiting too, for whatever it is that your heart desires, let's dream together and anticipate together and expect it to happen. Let's get ready. Let's believe.

The Concurrent Conundrum

We've been doing our homework. Last week we spent hours and hours online and on the phone to adoptive parents and adoption agencies across the country. Other agencies are allowing concurrent adoption for their parents waiting for babies from China, and we met several parents who are already deep into the concurrent process.

Unfortunately, when we contacted our agency to get the ball rolling, we ran into a lot of resistance. So we went back to the forums and chat rooms and contacted the parents online who were also hitting a lot of red tape. Would you believe that they used our same agency for their China adoption?

Then, the final blow came when our agency issued an update to all parents saying, in summary, there is no way for them to predict the current wait for China (the math is too difficult for them to even venture an estimate). Additionally, they listed several popular countries for international adoption and basically formulated a reason why most of them would not be viable as concurrent options. You can do it in Columbia, but they have a 3-year wait. Ethiopia does not understand why families would want to adopt from more than one country and would therefore need "concrete answers to satisfy this question." Kazakhstan and Russia have no rules one way or the other for concurrent, and are therefore too risky. Needless to say, Stan and I feel that a lot of what they said is bullshit.

The problem is this. Our contract with the agency precludes us from pursuing a concurrent adoption with another agency. So our China agency is against concurrent, and we are not permitted to go elsewhere for concurrent either. This leaves us with the following choices: (1) stay right where we are and wait 4-5 years for a child from China; (2) terminate our China adoption and lose all of the money we have already paid so that we can legally begin a paperchase to another adoption with a different agency; (3) knowingly breech our contract with the China agency and pursue a concurrent adoption behind their back, risking the chance of being involuntarily terminated from the China program; or (4) go "Raising Arizona" and steal babies from owners of unpainted furniture stores.

Here's the deal, folks. We haven't decided anything yet, and in light of the highly-charged emotional and legal risks associated with each of the options listed above, we have chosen to deal with this privately and not discuss it on this blog until a solid, definite, and final decision has been made.

Please keep us in your prayers, send good vibes our way, practice some positive voodoo on our likenesses, throw a penny in a wishing well, or do whatever you do to think good thoughts. It has been an uphill battle for us to start a family, and let me tell you, Stan and I think of little else. It is heartbreaking to KNOW something in your soul but find yourself incapable of realizing that dream. There have been few things in my life that I have "known" in this way. So far, all of them have come true. I have to believe that this one will, too.

Re-Cap

Maybe those last two posts were too long and you all died of thirst/starvation/boredom while reading them. Anyway, in case I buried the punchline beyond recognition, here is a re-cap:

The Bad News: Our baby from China will not be here until 2012 or later.

The Good News: We are going to (try to) go get us a baby boy from some other country while we wait. Details to be announced.

The Bad News

Disclaimer: If you want the good news first, scroll down to the post below this one.

Many moons wait. When we got into this, we knew that we would have a long wait in front of us. Lately, however, we have been doing our homework on the subject, and it turns out that 24 moons may not be accurate at all.

Before I tell you what we've learned, I feel that it's important to tell you about our sources. Many of you reading this are friends and family, but there may also be waiting families reading this blog, and I want everyone to know how we came to our conclusions.

When you are adopting internationally, you have several resources at your disposal:

1. Your agency
2. Fellow adoptive parents
3. The government
4. Books and other written literature
5. Websites

In this Information Age, we all know that the smart researcher will consider not only the content of the message, but also the source from which it came. As for the above list, there are good and bad things to be said of each.

Agency -- Our agency is great. We are using Children's Hope International. We love all of the people who have helped us through the paper chase, mainly our adoption specialist and our social worker. We've spent a lot of time with these ladies (one is an adoptive parent and the other is a waiting mom) and we really feel a bond with them. That being said, it's important for adoptive parents to remember that the agency is still a business. Like any corporation these days, there is something to watch out for -- the spin factor. When we talk about "the wait" with our agency, we are always told the same thing: the current wait is 24 months, and we expect this wait to grow in 2008. This statement is completely true and reasonable, but it's also just a tiny sliver of truth, scraped from the top of the ice burg of information available on this particular subject. This, my friends, is a spin.

Adoptive Parents -- If you want some real information, find some people who are in your same boat (i.e., the slow boat to China!). But take caution -- some of these people are at a completely different stage in the wait, and some of them have taken the 24-month story to heart (as we did). If you just want some inspiration, there are plenty of blogs out there loaded with pictures of adorable little girls who are now at home in the U.S. with their forever families. See my list of blogs I like on the right. 3 Peanuts and Katiebug's Journey are blogs I found back in February when we first started thinking about China. At the time, both little girls were still in China and both sets of parents were preparing for their trip. It was great to catch them right at that moment and follow their story through travel, coming home, and becoming a family. For those of you (Dad) who are not so computer-savvy, please note that you can click on the names of the blogs and be directed right to their site.

It's also important to meet people "in real life" who are adopting. We attended a seminar this week and met a handful of people in our area who are adopting internationally. We hope to establish friendships with these people. We're all in this together!!

Government -- Adoption is heavily regulated by state and federal law. Furthermore, because international adoption involves the immigration of the child to the U.S., adoptive parents and their agency must work with the State Department, the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, the Consulate, the Embassy, and the Immigration and Naturalization Service (just a name a few off the top of my head). The government is pretty reliable in their information as it pertains to Chinese adoption, but they don't always explain things in the simplest of terms. And their focus is not on the wait, but rather the forms you will need.

Books and other literature -- The world of international adoption changes at a head-spinning pace. Book content can be outdated before it even reaches the shelves of your local Barnes & Noble. Magazines and newspapers are probably a better option, but still, the focus is not typically on the subject of the wait.

Websites -- If you're adopting from China, it won't take you very long to find the Rumor Queen. As I perused the hallways of the blogosphere, I kept hearing about this Rumor Queen or about a rumor or about something found on "RQ." It seemed as if everyone (I mean everyone) was listening to this lady! I thought, "Well who is SHE? Why should she know something that my agency doesn't know?" And then I went to her site, and I saw how intense she was and how intense her readers were. And I thought, "These people are all CRAZY!"

But I kept reading, and I did my homework, and it turns out that she is a fairly reputable source. She gathers her information from insiders (international adoption agency employees from all over the world, many of whom who are willing to, anonymously, tell it like it is). She also gathers information from CCAA's website and puts it into one place for everyone to read. (The CCAA is the Chinese government entity overseeing adoption in that country.)

Rumor Queen has no spin. And she has some common sense. And she can do the math for the rest of us. Like most analysts, RQ estimates that there are currently 20,000 to 30,000 people like us waiting for a baby from China. (Read that again and let it sink in. 20,000 to 30,000 people. No shit.) And we are at the end of that long line. Approximately 300 to 400 babies are matched with their forever family each month. You can do the math, or you can let the Rumor Queen do it for you, "... that means it will take 71.25 months to get through the backlog. How long is 71.25 months? Five years, eleven months, and 8 days." And that was from June of this year, so Stan and I (LID 9-28-2007) are faced with the realization that our wait may be even longer. Click here to read this particular post at Rumor Queen's site, China Adopt Talk.

http://chinaadopttalk.com/2007/06/24/the-backlog/

So, my friends, it is not 24 moons to our daughter. It is 71.25+ moons.

If you're thinking things could change -- well, it is possible that things could change for the better. For one thing, many families are deciding to accept children with special needs (SN). Those taking the SN track can receive their referrals ahead of everyone else, thus removing them from "our" line. Also, it is estimated that approximately 25% of waiting families drop out (probably after THEY do the math). This 25%, however, was taken into consideration by RQ when she calculated the estimated number of families waiting right now. I believe, though, that this percentage will grow even bigger if the agencies start to revise their "24 months and likely to grow" spin into something closer to the truth.

If you're thinking things could change -- well, it is possible that things could get worse. I don't want to go into it too much (I believe the news above is bad enough to satiate even the most Pekar-ish of doomsayers), but the Olympics and the media attention on China could actually slow down the referral process. As ludicrous as it may sound, China wants it to be a secret that so many baby girls are adopted from its borders every year. And they certainly don't want people to know that the number of abandoned babies who do not survive their first year is far, far greater than the number of babies adopted. But let's save that topic for another day, or I'll never finish this post, which we can all agree is too long already.

Now, for the good news.

The Good News

photo by NASA

The good news is ... we don't think we'll drop out of the China program, and we ARE going to do whatever we can to begin a journey to our SON! We're moving on to the long-term plan, people.

We had planned to get our daughter from China and then begin the paperchase for a boy from whatever country seemed right at the time. We thought he would be Baby Number Two. If things work out, he will be Baby Number One and he will come home with us while we wait for his sister!

Where will we go next in our pursuit of parenthood? We're not ready to publicize any details yet, because we are still in the information-gathering stage. To be honest, we don't know for sure ourselves. We're going to meet with our agency as soon as we can. Obviously, our goal this time is to choose a country with a short wait time. We have to make sure that this "concurrent" adoption can be done.

For the moment, we feel very confident that this will work. Stan is preparing himself to conduct Jedi training as we speak! I'm thinking about the nursery. Here we go again. Oh boy!

Here's the Scoop!!

We're pregant! Well, not really. The baby won't be here until about two years from now. But we already know that she will probably be a girl with brown eyes and brown hair. We are very proud and pleased to announce that we are adopting from China!

We learned in February that I have endometriosis and that my fallopian tubes do not receive eggs from my ovaries. If the eggs cannot get into the tubes, there is simply no way to conceive. The doctors told us that Invetro Fertilization (IVF) would be our only real option for pregnancy. IVF means that eggs are harvested from the mother and fertilized with sperm from the father in a laboratory setting. Once fertilized, the eggs are implanted into the mother's uterus. The procedure works for many couples, but many also suffer miscarriage. Additionally, endometriosis can take a toll on the quality of the eggs themselves, making IVF even more risky. The procedure costs $10,000, and many couples go through several rounds of IVF before they are successful. Insurance companies are not mandated to cover IVF for Ohio residents, and neither of our plans cover it.

We were devastated. We had already faced once-a-month failures for about two years, and we knew that spending $10,000 on the mere possibility of pregnancy was quite a risk to take, both financially and emotionally. Our reproductive endocrinologist (a Cleveland Clinic physician and a pioneering leader in IVF) would have supported us 100% if we chose IVF, but he also respected our decision to take a more sure-fire route to parenthood -- adoption.

We began the adoption process in May and have been working our butts off ever since, trying to get our paperwork to China as soon as possible. Our completed dossier left for Beijing on September 14, and China officially confirmed receipt of it on September 28. Now we wait many moons until we travel to China to meet our daughter. The approximate waiting time we have been given is two years. Our daughter will probably be 9-12 months old when we bring her home.

While we're waiting, I hope to use this blog as a way to keep friends & family updated on our progress and give everyone some information so that they will know more about the origins of their soon-to-be grandaughter, niece, cousin, or buddy. Also, this blog will keep me busy while I wait.

I'm so glad you're reading. Post a comment (don't be shy), and come back soon!!

Questions & Answers

I saw this great Q&A on another blog and thought it would be perfect for you guys, too. So, here are some questions you may have -- and my attempt to answer them.


Why are you adopting? We wanted to start a family, and the typical means by which to do so just didn't work out. We always said we wanted our first child to be a girl, and China has lots of them waiting for mommies and daddies.


Why China? It is quite overwhelming to choose from where to adopt. If you've never been in this situation, you really can't fathom the enormity of it. First, you must decide between domestic and international. If you choose international, you must then choose from the countries currently participating in international adoption with the United States. There are only a handful to choose from. Each country's program has its own variables: health of the babies, cost, number of trips to the country required of the adoptive parents, the length of stay required, length of wait for a child, predictability and accountability of its program, etc. To us, China seemed to be the best choice, and it was also our gut choice. Factor in the likelihood to receive a baby girl, and it was a done deal.


What is DTC, LID, Referral, TA, and what's with all the ladybugs???? Welcome to the Chinese Adoption Community. You'll need to know these words and phrases if you want to keep up, especially in the blogosphere.

DTC -- Dossier to China. This is the date that our massive pile o'paperwork was mailed to our adoption agency's office in China. For us, this date was September 14, 2007. A happy day indeed.

LID -- Log in Date. This is the date that the government agency in China overseeing international adoption (CCAA) formally confirmed receipt of our massive pile o'paperwork. It is the official start date of our long wait for referral. Other waiting families will share our same LID, and it is very likely that we will all travel to China round about the same time. Our LID was September 28, 2007. A VERY happy day indeed.

Referral -- The date (about two years from now) when we receive word from the CCAA on which little girl they have chosen for us. We will get a few photographs, some basic info such as her weight, her personality, how many teeth she has, etc.

TA -- Travel Approval. This happens about one month after referral. This is when you receive the green light to make your travel arrangements. The actual travel occurs about eight weeks after referral. We will spend 10-14 days in China. Our daughter will be given to us on day two, and from then on we are a FOREVER FAMILY.

Ladybugs -- Ladybugs are a symbol of good luck in many countries including China. In more recent years, they have also become a symbol for adoption from China. Superstition says that a ladybug sighting means that the referral is arriving soon.


Why are most of the waiting babies in China girls? This is sometimes hard to explain, so I'm sure I'll post on it again in the future, but here is a simplified explanation. In an effort to control a very real population crisis, the Chinese government limits most couples from having more than one child. It is the tradition in China that sons will care for their elderly parents. (There is no Social Security, 401K, or pension plan for most Chinese citizens.) The son takes care of his parents, and the daughter takes care of her husband's parents. As a result, there is a strong preference among Chinese couples to give birth to a boy. Although it is illegal to do so, many couples opt for abortion when they learn that their baby is a girl. It is also illegal to place a child for adoption, so there is simply no way to "choose" adoption. Of course it is also illegal to abandon a baby in China, but this happens to thousands of baby girls every year. Many of them do not survive. Some of them are found and placed in orphanages, and some of these are adopted. There are boys in the orphanages, too, but they are very outnumbered.